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"Hide, Don't Seek" (Poem)
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Author:  AgentP [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 2:18 am ]
Post subject:  "Hide, Don't Seek" (Poem)
this is my second poem of the semester. some of you may remember my (still technically in-progress, and recently restarted) writing project called "hide, don't seek". this poem is based on the plot of that project.

our assignment was to use a simile (prof. gave us 12 examples, two of which were "the child trembled like..." and "he entered the room like...", and told us to either use one of those to begin our poem or to come up with a simile to describe our process in writing a poem) in addition to concrete, vivid details, appropriate diction and syntax, and of course avoiding cliché.

without further ado...

"Hide, Don't Seek"

The child trembled like the ground in Los Angeles during an earthquake.
“Hide, don’t seek” had started as a game
but now it was a matter of life or death.

One day, he thought,
He would write a book about it.
About how he and his twin brother Zachary
Had managed to survive.

Their father entered the room like
A beating waiting to happen,
A baseless punishment
Causing perspiration and palpitations.

And they were only six.
They’d be lucky to see double-digits,
But somehow, they remained hopeful.

The game of hide, don’t seek wasn’t over yet,
And the boys were determined to win.
Author:  AdamJones113 [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 9:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: "Hide, Don't Seek" (Poem)
Really nice.

One suggestion I have is to consider using some extra enjambment. Something like:
"The child trembled like the ground in Los Angeles during an earthquake.
It had started as a game
but now
'Hide, Don't Seek' was a matter of life or death"

or

"...
but now
it was a matter of life or death
'Hide, Don't Seek' "

But that's just a random suggestion, do with it what you will. Looking forward to seeing more!
Author:  AgentP [ Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: "Hide, Don't Seek" (Poem)
AdamJones113 wrote:
Really nice.

One suggestion I have is to consider using some extra enjambment. Something like:
"The child trembled like the ground in Los Angeles during an earthquake.
It had started as a game
but now
'Hide, Don't Seek' was a matter of life or death"

or

"...
but now
it was a matter of life or death
'Hide, Don't Seek' "

But that's just a random suggestion, do with it what you will. Looking forward to seeing more!

Thank you! That's actually really helpful, I hadn't turned the poem in yet (it's not due until Monday) so I made a few adjustments (and added like 2 new stanzas to incorporate more techniques and tell more of the story)... Let me know what you think, I can always go back to the old version if you think that'd be better! :)

"Hide, Don't Seek" (Revised)

The child trembled like the ground in Los Angeles during an earthquake.
This had started as a game,
But now it was a matter of life or death.
“Hide, don’t seek” is what they called it.

One day, he thought,
He would write a book about it.
About how he and his twin brother Zachary
Had managed to survive.

One day, Zachary thought,
His brother would pull up in a new Corvette
And he’d call out “Nice wheels!”
As he hopped into the passenger’s seat.

One day, Jensen thought,
They would finally be free from this mess.
Maybe they’d find their biological father
And live in the big city of Los Angeles.

Their stepdad entered the room like
A beating waiting to happen,
A baseless punishment
Causing perspiration and palpitations.

And they were only six.
They’d be lucky to see double-digits,
But somehow, they remained hopeful.

The game of hide, don’t seek wasn’t over yet,
And the boys were determined to win.
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