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Hello, heathens. I determined that you need some change, some pizzazz, in your boring, mundane lives. Therefore, I decided to post a Compendium of gentle musings a good friend of mine has written in his time. His name is Russ, and he's a good guy. If you don't like these, then eat my poo.
it begins.......
you know what MY super power would be? it would be the ability to turn into a large group of sentient marbles. i’d roll around and cause a ruckus and make people trip and force slapstick comedy on the public at large and it becomes so rampant that i’m number one on the most wanted list and swat teams are always after me but i always get away because you can’t *(censored)* shoot marbles. then the media would blame marble madness for this catastrophe and schools and universities would have to teach safety precautions and techniques to evade a possible encounter with the “Tripping Trickster” or “The Marble Menace” or whatever cute epithet they decide to call me and there would be public service announcements all across america warning the citizens of the dangers of encountering me and then after all that has happened i transform back into my human form and my friends are like “wtf where’ve you been man” and i’m just like “dude i was at taco bell”
da big cheese
what if cheese was actually a creepy stalker and like wherever you went you saw that same packet of provolone cheese just sitting close to wherever you are and at first you’re like hey that’s funny they put the cheese at the wrong place that’s totally hilarious and then when you leave the store it gets dead serious when it’s just sitting on top of your car and you’re like no way *(censored)* this cheese and you throw the packet as far as you can and you’re driving home and i’ll be damned there’s that same packet of cheese and then you resign to it and just think oh well free cheese and when you get home you put it in the fridge and later that night you get up to get a drink before bed and when you look in the fridge well gee golly wiz the cheese is gone and when you slip into bed there’s the cheese right next to you and you suddenly see it slide toward you slowly and you’re sweating bullets and the packet opens, the cheese slides out, it approaches your ear and whispers “hey do you watch family guy?”
war.....
my thumb wrestling abilities are more powerful than even i can control. my left thumb has independently declared thumb war on my right thumb for disrespecting its’ sovereignty and i honestly don’t know what to do. blood everywhere. my right pointer finger has become severely injured and my left right finger has unfortunately become a prisoner of war and i’m not quite sure of its’ status. i’m calling for reinforcements but the doctor said the procedure would cost tens of thousands of dollars and every single one of my toes is off the grid. somebody, anybody, please send help. i don’t know if i can handle this thumb war for much longer.
nasty rum0rz.......
i wish i could catapult off of these trees so that it could do something else other than sit there staring at me, judging my jeans and spreading nasty rumors that my nipples are actually pepperonis soldered onto my chest. for the record, that’s only half true.
something smell's fishy........
you know what would be crazy? what if the air was actually the water and the water was actually air, and we don’t know it because we’re *(censored)* morons and our brains don’t want us to know the truth because it is so horrible. why do you think we get such a negative visceral reaction to the duck face? because it’s not actually the duck face, it’s the fish face, and our minds reject it in disgust because it’s too reminiscent of our actual fishy identity and the mind is like “heck no get that fishy face out of my sight!” yet we still pucker our faces at each other in the name of love. this is *(censored)* up and bullshit
the brains conspiracy
brains are just a social construct invented by the insidious Big Pharm to market shitty zombie movies endlessly until we turn into *(censored)* soup for christ’s sake
it's not rocket surgery...... or is it?
what if you were a doctor and a guy came running in the hospital hollering about an aberrant growth on his head. he crashes into the office screaming and holy jeez he’sd got an entire rocket ship growing off of his head “What The Heck” you holler impulsively. you run to the brain surgeon’s office and say “get a load of this shit, this guy has a freaking rocket ship growing off of his head!!” the surgeon’s eyes comically pop out of his eyes and screams “What The Heck” by choice and runs with the doctor to the patient’s room, but it got worse. now the patient has indigestion and a mild heart burn. you need to act fast, so you call up the closest rocket scientist to come over and get a look at this hellish anomaly. the scientist arrives and his jaw lowers impossibly to the ground, and back up again. “What The Heck” he muttered under his breath. the surgeon tries to perform surgery on the growth “are you sure you’re up to this?” you ask and he says “hey it’s not rocket science” he replied completely oblivious to the irony and the rocket scientist begins to examine the ship and *(censored)* with some switches and knobs and you say “thank you so much for coming this poor man would have died without your doing uhh whatever the *(censored)*” and the scientist says “hey man it’s no problem it’s not brain surgery” and suddenly the brain surgeon gets all uppity and says “uhhhhh well it actually is brain surgery” and the scientist gets real rude and replies “do you not see this rocket ship? looks like rocket science to me pal!” and then the two argue about whether it’s brain surgery or rocket science until the heat death of the universe
The Piss Amulet
oh you want this? *jiggles ornate amulet around neck* you want my prized and priceless piss amulet? this was passed down from generations and generations of piss masters. hey, okay, i’ll give you a shot. if you can climb atop majestic Mt. Everest and piss directly on the same spot my great great grandfather did, then you may earn the glory that is the Piss Amulet. now that’ll be $10.97.
nobama.....!!!
thanks to obama’s america, scorpion spear-hooked me and pulled me into the freezer at denny’s, he diapered me against my will, then he said “don’t tell the cops” as he teleported away. it’s just like the mayans predicted.
The Bit-Mind
imagine a world where you could upload your brain to the ‘net and install your consciousness onto anything you wanted. i’d probably place my “bit-mind” onto a league of legends character and start hollering about the liberal media.
da bird prez.....
oh man, if i was a bird, i'd run for president and be the first bird president, wouldn't that be lovely? i'd be the first president to tweet their inauguration speech but i'd probably ruin the economy
earthday birthday
what if your head was the earth but you still had a human sized body located in manhattan and every single time you try to do anything you accidentally kick some fool in the head and the idiot does a judo chop in the area where the sun don’t shine and this piece of shit rallies the new yorkers to pummel and beat your stupid helpless body and your giant ugly earthly head just sits there crying rain and erupting volcanoes and just in general being a giant biatch
*unnamed* (he did not provide this one with a name)
you know what would be made of pure Epic Win? if we could round up all the pizza think tanks so we can hone our pizza science to create the first ever transcendental pizza. it's pizza, but literally a god. the pizza god is pizza itself. holy shit sandwiches, that's way too much awesome for my body to control *every single atom in my body turns into a clown, creating a propulsion effect that is colloquially referred to as "the clown explosion* *the clowns terrorize the entire earth for a millenia, until the second coming of Dread V where i finally serve the transcended pizza. tastes average*
miscellaneous musings (he did not provide these with names
i just found the obama birth certificate in some mesoamerican ruins. it says he's retarded. your move lieberals
(In response to someone on Facebook who thought posts about the breaking news of the explosions in Boston was the perfect time to spread the news about Obama and his drones) mmmyes, a terrorist attack. everyone is in a frenzy. this is my time to strike. *opens mouth, gigantic speech bubble with "drones" in bold red letters emerges from my mouth, engulfing america with its overbearing truth and common sense fiscal libertarian mumblings*
I just found an ancient artifact in mesoamerican wuins. let's examine this a bit closer *comically large eye glass* hmm hmm oh wow its a diaper its just a ancient diaper
My archaeology career has been soiled by this diaper discovery. This diaper artifact fiasco has left me homeless, and in poverty. All thanks to this goddamn ancient diaper.
The Mesoamerican Diaper Event (on wikipedia, th e free encyclopedia anyone can edit). The MesoAmerican Diaper Event was a series of coordinated diaperings around the world. Over 55,000 innocent people were diapered by a collective squad of rogue CIA Diaper Agents.
a tribal leader spend 40 days and 40 nights meditating in the woods, determined not to change his diaper until he reached enlightenment. weeell ehh we all know what happened next
some scholars say that the tunguska explosion was caused by a soiled cosmic diaper that was ejected from the sun and crashed into the earth. upon close examination of the blast site, it is finally determined after centuries of debate that the sun actually uses huggies instead of what was commonly believed to be a pampers cruiser
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I hope these provided you with a chuckle, as they did me. But most importantly, congratulations to me. Here's to 5,000 more.
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